i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
