Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
