how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
barbara walters just said penis...
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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