Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
