i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
