Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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