I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
