My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
