Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Randomize
