plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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