My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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