You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
