i think my mom watched the whole time
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
this boner is exhausting
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
