Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
