I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
