his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
