life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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