I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
