Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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