Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
