He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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