but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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