I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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