im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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