we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
