Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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