Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
