my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
