I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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