I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize