I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Randomize
