I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
