Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
We talked him into tasing himself.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
