I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
