dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i am a beautiful darrk chocolate womann
honey you're def caucasian
i am a beautiful white cholcllate woman.... Z
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
