This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
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