I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
