A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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