the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
