My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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