So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
