My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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