now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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