Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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