I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
