I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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