girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
