see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
