I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
