so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
