i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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