When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
This house was built for laser tag.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
