I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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