It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
