either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
